Societal Issues: Killer Cows

by Rick London

My name is Truman Cowpoke and I write mooooder mysteries. I write about the life of cows, violence, and yes, even bovine death. Words cannot express the horror I feel, as a mystery writer of true cow crime while researching the death and destruction that can occur in “greener pastures”. Of course there are no cowincidences and anyone who says there are may just be full of bull, surely udderly ridiculous.

I could write words describing the moohem and destruction of this beast, and do no justice. Even the late great author of “Being There” and “Painted Bird”, Jersey Cowzinsky or pop diva Bovinna, who sang and performed Mooterial Girl so beautifully, could feel my emotions regarding violence in the bovine cowmunnity. I don’t even think The Boss, Bruce Holstein could (even though he was “BORN IN THE USDA”) But cows are just farm animals. Not a lot of justice in such cowmmunities; unlike, say Bambi and other artistic animals. The Deer Artist, oh starry starry night, Venison Van Doe, may have stroked it with a brush, but never ever the lonely cow.

Is cow violence a part of organized crime? We have heard rumors of the legendary Al Cowpone and his La Cudstra Nostra, but not much is known about them. More recent legends of course include the more gentle cow, Demi Moooer, Hugh Heffer, and the like. But the cow is poetic. How can we ever forget Bulliam Shakespeare’s “Moo be, or not moo be?” And you tell me cows have no talent? Got calcium?

So to blow off steam, I jog a bit, even prepare myself for the Bullston Mooathon, though chances are skim I’ll make it to the finish line. Just cuds I love cows doesn’t make me odd. Many a cow-lover has gone on to become a legend in his own mind. Take Alfalfa for instance. We all know his famooos saying, “I dub cows!” And truly, who could we take more seriously than Alfalfa (even though Alfalfa is eaten daily by cows). Maybe he has some Mooosochistic cowacteristics, who knows, but he said it.

If you don’t want to hear about bovine the divine, how to solve the social problems that are so prevalent in their lives, then moooooove along little doggie. I don’t want my epitath to read “He Cowld Have Done Better”. I believe I’ve milked this story for all it’s worthe and then some. But the creme always rises to the top. You butter believe it; even if my story is on the margarine of good taste.

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